its hard in life to do many things, leave your significant other, move your family or even start your life over. but its looking at what others have that help you to see that life isn't so hard. I'm sitting on a bed in a house that smells like a hampster cage from the overpopulation of dogs, cats and critters. the door has even been modified so that kittens can manage their way back and forth from outside to inside by just slipping through the 1 inch to 4 inch gap in the bottom of the door. the floor is sticky no matter where you step and the front living room has a 6 ft long gaping hole in the roof. and honestly when someone moves around the smell of 11 years of pets finding the vacant corners of the house to do their business rush through your nose and slam around your brain. the house which is barely a 2 bedroom hosts 7 people on a normal night, the 2 owners, 2 of their children, one childs husband and her daughter and then another childs son. the house might as well be marked biohazard, its been waiting for 4 years for habitat for humanity to tear it down but to no moving avail. the place is awreck, and as sad as it is it brings me a inner peace as to my situation. that my life isn't so bad, I could be fighting animals for food, stuck is a place where the biggest side effect was health loss and yeah I could be unluckily like them and be without air conditioning or heating. I ahte to see them live this way. the local drug addict has just walked in I have to go.

Nine inch nails - Hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

so i havent posted in a few days, heres a wrap up of life for anyone who may read this.
thursday - messed up my left arm badly. like really badly
friday - heathers birthday. went great she had a good time, saw kung fu panda and hung out with her friends
tuesday - heather decided she doesnt want to be with me right now. she feels like her life has fallen apart. she refuses to talk to me and wants nothing to do with me. my own wife has decided that not im nothing but ruin.
wednesday - today i sat on the floor or the world like a 2 year old with no purpose, i have nothing that makes me smile now. i was left in search of finding god again and now i feel like he has abandoned me. its become very hard for me in just these past 24 hours, i cant function on my own with my injuries, i cant button my own pants or one of my shirts, i cant rip up lettuce to feed the lizard. i cant tie shoes, i can barely drive. im left with putting and ice pack on my warm, popping more pain pills and waiting till i have to goto work. i luckily am blessed with the fact that i have always typed with only my right hand. so that i may record my pain on the internet i guess. scribbled down in http so that one day someone may look and see what i was thinking. life has become worthless. this earth has no need for me anymore.
honeslty pray i see tomorrow, if work sucks tonight i quit.

So i feel like im being sucked back into the internet, finally at the pressure of like 3 people i signed up for del.icio.us, not like i needed something more than the little bookmark page to hold my bookmarks but now i have the amazing ability to fuel the corporate machine and show everybody what im looking at. yay destroying your own privacy. something on the more positive side is for about 4 months now in absense of any cheap way to destroy insomnia i have using a program called Pzizz at night, works wonderfully well hypnotizing you to goto sleep. now im using their daytime thing for energy and its like another hypnotic shot to the butt. its like a energy drink without all the possibly nuclear chemicals. so definitly go check it out and download the 15 minute trial at least but honestly its worth to 30$, theyve even added a feature where you can export it into itunes and take it with you on your ipod.

off to work in t-minus 2 hours

Theres nothing more calming then a raging fire

Yeah, sarcasm, my best quality. Seriously though last night spent the evening by the lake, just me and heather, a nice sized fire and nothing but the sounds of lovely lake grapvine crashing to its shores and a little cedar wood popping. it was miraculously great, on a night when me nor heather could seem to choose to do anything that didnt annoy the other the idea just popped into my head (with all the spare bloody firewood clammoring in the bed of my truck from weeks ago) and thus we had a fun wonderfull relaxing night with god as out campfire companion. and there was peace. stayed there for i guess about 2 hours before we left so we could go get her car from bennagins, got an awesome free bowl or potato soup while we were there. then after that, you know what they say about married people........we went home went to sleep and neither of us woke up for about 10 hours.

The things we do in the name of love

its that phone call that makes you drop what your doing, forget what to say and run. "hey chad, heather just passed out and she is laying unconsious." scary. but its how we react that makes us who we are. theirs no shame in carrying your wife in your arms through a resteraunt when she doesnt have the strength, theres no shame in being strong when she cant. yeah just a scary event in the day, she is all doped up beside me now and doing 10x better.

Minds eye

What do you see when you look at yourself? do you see someone who is prominent in the world who walks around to make a difference? Or do you see another leech to the world, yet another ant, always moving always running, unable to stop and take a breath because some other bill is due or someone needs something from you? I actually love the idea of being that busy worker ant, the idea of always doing something for someone, though not always paying the bills but i love the idea of being prominent and i feel you have to be that proiminent person in life who can serve every person that you can. i present to you this picture of me, not of the most flattering of spots but it is me, tired from helping someone do something but waiting for the next call from someone in need and ready to help them and try to stand out and make a difference.

Untitled

So what is the definition of a good employee? Is it someone who dresses perfectly, is at work 15 minutes before everyone else and does everything you say to a "t"? Or is a good employee someone who makes it to work on time and still does everything that is requested of them but also finds and creates new ways to accomplish and complete tasks in more efficient and user friendly ways? It has become my quandry. At my guard post right now we have to check out trucks one after another, problem is that the windows we have to reach through to get their drivers liscense and manifest are too small for any of the guards. So I take mine out, i go from having 7 inches of space to having 38 inches of space. more space means more trucks out the row, more trucks out means more money for the company. Now here is the quandry,

we have a large a/c in the guard shack, the managers of the truck yard are accusing me of wasting their enrgy by having this big hole in their gaurd house, (mind you me first solution was to close up the windows and stand outside but they didnt like it because it didnt look uniform.) And honestly i would turn off the a/c but the dude i work with overnights has a heart condition. and the other guys like their a/c. so im stuck, i want to take care of business and get all my work done quicker so i can go back to the massive cleaning project that i have started, cleaning 4 years of crap off everything that isnt regularly touched. its disgusting. But for now im stuck to my quandry, to maximize efficiancy or to follows the given rules and slow down the process.